If you are anything like me, there are a number of things you habitually do that you dislike and wish you could stop. Benjamin Franklin implored us to be always at war with our vices, yet often we view them as unsightly blemishes on our souls that we cannot erase. In his letter to the Romans, Saint Paul captures the essence of humanity's sense of desolation as it wallows in sin when he writes, I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. (Rom 7:15)
Why is it that time after time we partake in activities or act in ways that we almost immediately regret and make us feel hopelessly ensnared in a life of sin? First, I think we have to understand that to change behavior requires more effort than it does to perpetuate behavior. Reputations exist because because people tend to act the same way each time a situation presents itself. If somebody can't keep a secret on Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday, there is little reason to share private information with them on Thursday. We don't fail to reform our vices out of ignorance of their existence, but rather because it is hard and takes a good measure of sacrifice and effort. If it were easy, then our New Year's resolutions wouldn't sound so similar every January.
The second reason we fail to address our vices is that we lack support. More specifically, we fail to seek the support we need. Many of us try to quit bad habits in secret. We would like to drink less, but we are too embarrassed to tell our friends we're cutting back. As a result, they are more likely to mock and oppose our efforts at the next party than they are to strengthen them. We feel we can go it alone, when in reality we need the support of others more than ever if we wish to truly change our ways.
The greatest advocate and helper that we seldom think to call on in these situations is God. With God's help, we can accomplish infinitely more than we can on our own. Yet how rarely do we include God in our plans to change our vices into virtues. By including God, I mean an active and prolonged dialogue of prayer (petitioning) and meditation (listening to the response) with our Lord. It is not enough just ask for His help one time and then curse Him when we fail to change. In order to genuinely seek God's assistance, we need to love Him. To me, my love for God is founded first and foremost in my prayer life. Prayer is the strongest muscle our soul has to break down the wall of sin that separates us from our Redeemer. If we don't exercise it, then it will atrophy and leave us weak and prone to the devil's many temptations.
One vice that runs through my family and into my relationships with others is a quick temper. There are times when I let my emotions get the best of me and express my frustration in unproductive and unholy ways. Often, this anger is self-directed, but I do sometimes lash out at others, often for things that are really quite trivial. Often the recipient of my harsh tongue isn't even the main cause of my anger; they just happen to come by at the wrong time and do something that sets me off into a rage. Many are lucky to never see this side of me, but those that do are often left with a bad impression.
This part of my personality is extremely disappointing to me because it goes against all that Christ teaches us about loving one another. It is especially embarrassing when others catch me uttering a choice word or twelve and know about this blog or my activity in the Church because my vice can be used to argue that the Church is full of hypocrites and people who preach but do not follow. I never want to do anything that brings shame upon the Catholic faith.
I've challenged myself and have been challenged by people close to me to work with God to reform this flaw in my character going forward. I desire for people to be able to speak of me as the Psalmist speaks of the Lord: compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. (Ps 103:8) I encourage you to spend some time and seek God's help in addressing a vice that you have been living with for far too long. Be honest with yourself and the Lord and ask for His guiding hand as you work towards becoming a better disciple of Jesus Christ.
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